Saturday, May 11, 2013
Andy Rooney's thoughts on women over forty: As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think. If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting. A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing. Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated. A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know. A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
at 8:45 PM
Monday, March 25, 2013
I owe my Mother 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION . "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about my ROOTS "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC . "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT . "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY . "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM . "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ... "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER . "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY . "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY . "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION . "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE . "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR . "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS . "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me WISDOM . "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." And my favorites: 24. My mother taught me about JUSTICE . "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!! But, there is one missing from this list . . . . My personal all time favorite!! My mother taught me about CHOICE . "Do you want me to stop this car?"
at 3:16 PM